Life Isn't Living 'Til You've Loved
by R Amythest
Summary: songfic With Yugi killed, and the Puzzle in Yami Bakura's hands, Ryou experiences more pain than before. He's tired of all the betrayal he's feeling. It's time to take it out... with the thing used to open a gift, the place where memories are pleasant.
1. All or Nothing at All, Bakura's POV

EDIT NOTE: Fanficiton dot net has banned songfic. Therefore, I shall take the song out of fic. The little banner I put in its place is Splash of livejournal's idea. 

Ryou lay on the floor, staring up at me with large, emotional puppy dog eyes. I returned his gaze by thrusting feelings of disgust and hate at him, and my heart nearly broke as he reverted his eyes. If I had one. I laughed manically at the inane thought, giving him a couple kicks in the back. I still couldn't believe I was doing this. But I started it. . . and I will finish the job as well. I wanted to get it over with it, too. . . but he wouldn't let me. . . "Haven't you learned anything yet?" I spat, getting more than frustrated at the fact he'd just cower, not build up resistance against the world. Ryou looked up for a moment at me and shook his head with large, pleading eyes. I braced myself inside and slapped him roughly. The feel of his skin. . . it was like silk. . . Sometimes I wonder upon myself, should I really go on with this? I really didn't want to. I snapped out of my trance and continued to shout at him. "#&! The world'll crush you in an instant, weakling!" There. I managed to be decent. At least I showed concern. . .

I gave him a final glare, then disappeared into the ring. I pondered upon this strange type of love. . . the first time he got the ring and I slapped him, I was blinded by all the anger I had for being in the ring. . . which really wasn't his fault. I seriously desired him. . . but I was determined to follow through with my goal. And with that, I can't let emotions get in the way. But some day, when I rule the world. . . I'll lie down with him and enjoy the warmth of his chest and the softness of his hair. If he'd accept me. I could never please him. . . he's such an innocent creature. . . and me? I admit it. I'm a cold, cruel bastard.

And as long as I know he could never forgive me, I won't attempt to entice him.

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

There is no love as a half. And as long as only I have a bond. . . it wouldn't quite qualify as an attraction. After all, he probably thinks of me as a #$#$&$# $#$$ #&$#&$#$&&#$. Even if I convince him to fake it, or tell him I love him and he would go along with it, it'd be worse when he breaks up with me. The longer he pretends, the more I'd be under his spell. . . and when he finally breaks it up, I'd be hurt more than if I never told him.

Yet I don't know if I can hurt him anymore.

Every time he whimpers. . . every time he sniffles. . . every time he sobs in his dreams, of who-knows-what, I'd feel a pain deep down. . . that I've always been able to hide before. What makes now different than before? Is this a telling of what is to happen?

Or maybe it's because he's just so nice to me I. . .! I still remember that time when I was sick.

_flashback_

_I coughed violently, curling up in my soul room. I hate to admit. . . I hate my soul room. It's so dark and cold. . . and so bare! My whole body was sore, and my head was burning._

_A small ray of light entered. "Yami?" a small voice called, Ryou's fluffy white hair bouncing into the room. I blinked, clearing my eyes and watching his eyes survey me, filled with worry._

_"Go away," I grumbled. "I'm feeling a little put out to deal with you now." I'm not going to show him weakness. I'd never get results, then. While my mind was shouting that I was annoyed, my heart was informing me that this was just soothing and calming. . ._

_Suddenly, he ran off into his soul room. He might as well. I sighed and curled up tighter, wishing my soul room was warmer. Suddenly, a thing fell on top of me, and I felt a lot better. I opened my eyes a bit to see Ryou looking down at me, grinning like an idiot, smoothing out my hair. When he caught sight of my eyes staring at him, he blushed and got in, wrapping his arms around my chilled body. It was just so relaxing there. . . I was content to gather up all the heat he had to offer. . . and release my rampaging emotions._

- This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. - 

I looked out to see what he was doing. Visiting his mother's grave? Again? I felt a pang of guilt. I had destroyed so many he loved or had depended on. . . his father. . . the pharaoh's brat. . . as well as others. . . I seriously felt like apologizing. . .

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

"NO!" I told myself. I'm not going to fall for him. Not only because he has a lesson to learn. . . but also because I swore to myself never to love again.

_flashback_

_The crimson-eyed king smirked at me, the dark magician's vessel straight up in front of him. It was the last shadow game I had between he and I, the final one where I felt the meaning of heartbreak. "Any final words?" he sneered._

_I stood motionless, the betraying change of heart doing a small dance in the air. "I loveD you," I whispered, emphasizing the d. I loved him. . . but not any more._

flashback

And that was one of the reasons I claimed the puzzle. So I would feel the ancient pharaoh's companionship so even if I wouldn't earn his heart, I would steal it and keep it with me, even if it protested.

So, you see, I've got to say. . .

My heart thumped as I saw Ryou approaching the willow tree. This would be the perfect time to tell him that I. . .

- This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. - 

"No, you can't," my mind protested, "he'll turn you down!"

"No, don't listen," my heart pleaded, "you know you want him!"

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

No, it can't be. . . he's taking out the letter opener that he used to open the package of flowers I sent him. The flowers were all white roses, ones I picked myself. I hoped he'd guess it was from me. . . but he didn't.

Now he poked himself lightly with the blade of the letter opener. . . had I really gone this far- too far?

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

I felt the final thrust of the blade, and the cry the echoed through the whole mind. I quickly appeared next to his fallen form. So innocent. . . I looked at the willow tree, remembering the day I held him. And now. . . He opened his eyes one last, pleading time, and sent all his feelings straight into my heart.

All of them screaming, "I love you!"

I softened my harsh glare and whispered, "I love you, too." And then he was gone. A light sprinkle of snow fell on my light's fallen form, and a light blanket of white surrounded him. He looked truly angelic.

I felt a tug back into the cold depths of the Millennium Ring, the object that first deceived me into wasting my days with my tenshi. . .

Yami Amythest: sniffle

R Amythest: now how many times have I made Ryou die? Hmm. . . this is the second time in one shots. . . I made him die 4 times in my poems. . .

Yami Amythest: you torture your favorite bishie, that's your business. But don't let Yami Bakura like MY Yami-man!

R Amythest: sweatdrop dramatic drum roll. Next chapter is the same thing in Ryou's POV, then the last one. . . you'll find out.


	2. Through my Own Eyes, Ryou's POV

EDIT NOTE: Fanfiction dot net has banned songfics. Therefore, I have taken the song out of the fic. Witty comment credited to livejournal's user Splash.

I whined and covered my head as the oncoming blows sent waves of pain down my back. The shower of attacks didn't cease, and I curled into a ball. This was the typical day. . . the typical afternoon. I'd seriously like to think of this as Physical Education, but this isn't teaching me anything. . . except possibly. . . that sometimes, life isn't worth living, unless the one you love. . . loves you back.

My Yami towers over me now. "Haven't you learned anything yet?" he said, half irritated and half victoriously. He'll always be the dominant half. . . I answered truthfully and shook my head no. Unprotected, he slapped my cheek forcefully, jerking my head back. "#&! The world'll crush you in an instant, weakling!" With that he disappeared into the ring. I sighed. Sometimes he tops it up with something that reveals he half-cares for me, sometimes he'll just show that he takes advantage of me by taking out his stress.

- This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. - 

Limping slightly on my bruised leg, I put on my raincoat. Outside it was raining like crazy, and thunder rumbled. Just perfect. It was late December. . . no snow. It was the week before Christmas. . . and I was starting to wonder if the global warming would finally take its toll. And that was another reason I needed to. . . move.

I sighed as I stepped out, and my bangs instantly became soaked. I trudged down the sidewalk. It wasn't even freezing rain. . . this is not December weather.

There was a problem with this world. There was too much of an overload of people who want big things for their own greedy purposes. My yami for instance. Always wanting all the Millennium items. Never caring if he forgets that my body still needs rest or nourishment. . .

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

I briefly turned my head to see the Game Shop. The lights were all out. My yami had attacked the place a few months ago, dagger and all. He made a deal with Malik's Yami, and killed Yugi and his grandpa, splitting the puzzle and the tauk. My Yami had chosen the puzzle for himself, and Malik and he were to be having an all-out fight in the end, after they each have 3 or 4 of the items.

I groaned, this meant my Yami would want me to 'shape up' for the final battle- and one of us would die. Either Malik or I. It would really be a rather devastating event. . . Malik's Yami was also abusive and Malik and I had become close friends. Too many of the innocent have/are going to die/died. Leaving an overload of the sinful.

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

I kept on trudging, ignoring the fact that my raincoat was getting soaked, despite the claim that it was water resistant. I guess resistant has its limits. It sort of reminded me about. . . me. I couldn't resist the betrayal any more. . . the pain. . . and now I'm tipping on the edge.

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

I glanced up at the sky, getting an eyeful of water, and ice stinged my eyeball. I squeezed my eyes shut. Still no snow. You may wonder why I'm so desperate about the snow.

If it does snow, I'd die in the same type of weather as my mother.

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

My mom. I loved her. . . she looked a lot like me- light blonde hair, dark eyes. . . and she always cared for me. Unlike SOME other people. I fingered my millennium ring, trying to avoid the guilty weight of the puzzle. The day I got the ring was soon after my mom died. My dad had to go to Egypt, and he sent it to me to make up for not being there to sooth me. Little did he know that it made my life a hell lot worse. . . a little before my yami set off to get the puzzle, he had killed my father, too.

I stopped another time at the cemetery. My father's body was never found, my Yami had hid it well, but my mother had a gravestone. I knelt down in front of it and wiped the frost off. My fingers stung from the chill of icy stone. Engraved on it was 'Angela Bakura, Born 1959, Died 1994,' and underneath was the quote, 'Within all light was darkness, and in all darkness there is light.' It was her favorite quote. I used to believe it. . . but now with my yami like this. . . I don't anymore. It doesn't seem he has a shred of sympathy in him. If he wins that fight with Yami Malik in the end. . . he probably doesn't need a vessel anymore. Meaning he'll get rid of me in the end. Why not now, to spare others?

I sniffled, shivering. My body temperature was lowering, and my jacket was fully penetrated. I pulled it tighter and headed to my final destination.

- This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. - 

I can't see the bright side of life.

I really can't.

And now this is what I get of it.

I reached in my pocket and pulled out the letter opener I had in my pocket. My yami was always cautious about me dying, because then he'd be sealed again. I wanted that to happen. I couldn't think clearly anymore. . . his resistance is driving me crazy. I've always loved him. . . but again and again, he'd turn me down with a punch. . . usually to the chest right above the heart. This time I got the perfect time to do it. I received a big cardboard box in the mail. The strange thing was it was filled with white roses and no return address. I had the chance to keep this in my pocket. And my yami, I knew, needed to reenergize, as he had used up plenty of energy yesterday trying to find out where Shadi resided. He wanted to get the ankh and the scales. So that left him weary, and after my beating, I expect he's exhausted.

I looked up now. It was a beautiful willow tree. This was such a memorable place. . . it was the one of the two times he was nice to me. And the other instance was only because he was sick, and I had an irresistible temptation to sooth him. And the instance that happened here. . . was the once-in-a-lifetime kindness to repay me. I had been scared that he wanted somewhere private to beat me. But instead. . . he had hugged me and nuzzled my hair. I had stiffened, not knowing what to think. But then I relaxed when I saw he didn't mean harm, and hugged back. I still remember leaning on his chest. . . too bad he wasn't mortal. He didn't have a heart. . . he didn't love.

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

See you in heaven, Yugi, Mother, Father. I held the blade between my thumb and index finger. I lightly poked my chest. No, I'd have to push harder. I grabbed the handle firmly and thrust it in my chest, just slightly on the left. Above my heart. Releasing my love.

- This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. - 

I fell to the ground. This hurt... but less than the beatings, I'd admit. My Yami materialized next to me. His jaw dropped and stared back and forth from the tree to me. I looked up at him, thrusting all my emotions into his cold, stony eyes. My vision blurred, and my pulse pounded in my ears.

- This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. - 

And to my surprise...

Through the pounding of my heartbeat, I could hear him lightly whisper, "I love you, too." A light snowflake fell on me... and then I felt myself being pulled out of my body.

- This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. - 


	3. My Heart Will Go On, 3rd Person

EDIT NOTE: Due to the rule as of 4/17/05, all lyrics have been removed. Thank you.

R Amythest: Now, I know this is different from what you expected, most likely, but here's chappie three, to the lyrics of 'My Heart Will Go On' by James Horner!

Yami Amythest: don't you have a whole fic of things based on that?

R Amythest: um. . . yeah. . . sweatdrop anyway, get readin'.

It was cold and dark on all sides. Loneliness echoed on all sides, consuming the edges of his hikari's last emotions. . .

- This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. - 

Ryou had stared into Bakura's eyes. . . as if he were to be defiant. If only he had told him sooner. . . that he felt the same? Now he lives to regret. Every night is a nightmare. Ryou'd appear as an angel, Bakura as a demon, and he'd look into his eyes and whisper, "Why?"

And he'd be forced to look back into his eyes and reply, "I don't know."

Bakura would hold him as tight as he could, never letting him go, feeling his skin gently, the skin that felt like flower petals, that frame that looked delicate as a porcelain doll, the hair that was like strands of silk. But he'd push him away, shouting, "I don't want anything to do with you, you cold-hearted. . ."

Ryou could never finish the accusion, as he'd wake up. He called it a nightmare. . . but he also long for the day he'd return to my dreams and finish his statement, and he'd know how cruel he was. Bastard? Btch? Demon? Devil? He couldn't imagine.

"I'm a cruel demon!" he shouted, admitting defeat to his inner self. "I'm a cruel demon! I'm a cruel demon!" echoed off the endless chambers of the millennium ring. He collapsed onto the floor, silently sobbing, listening to the millennium ring concur with his statement. And he knew it was true.

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

Ryou still haunts him.

Be it a nightmare or just blinking, he'd see his beautiful face and his large eyes, looking up at him with hurt and love. He's delirious. . . and he follows him everywhere. It's undeniable. . . he wanted him. Bad.

Bakura sighed and ran a hand through his own hair, feeling the stiffness inside it. He guessed there was a reason he was a yami. . . he truly was dark. He craved the light that used to radiate off his hikari's shining face. And now it shows. "NO!" he screamed, pounding his fist against the cold stone wall, watching the scrapes well up with blood. "Now I can imagine how he always felt," he whispered to himself.

Near, far, wherever you are,  
I believe that the heart does go on.

Ryou sighed as he flew to another cloud. Bakura loved him. . . it all seemed to be a past forgotten. If he hadn't committed suicide. . . would Bakura have eventually told him? Or would he continue betraying his inner emotions and continued beating the hikari?

Yet it still felt like heartbreak, even though Ryou knew his yami loved him. Some nights, he would dream of his yami, the one that looked like him, except the eyes, which were cold and somewhat interesting, or as Ryou called it, fascinating. The dreams were always cold, though, as his yami would manically laugh and say, "Do you really think I meant that?" and slap him against the cheek. Ryou never believed the nightmares. . . he was sure his yami's final words were true. Though he was beginning to doubt if he heard them clearly.

He looked down below the clouds now, and caught sight of Malik. His Yami was obviously in control, with the Millennium rod, tauk, puzzle, ring, and eye. Ryou desperately hoped that he wouldn't get to Shadi. . . or his chances of finding Bakura were over. And although he didn't want to be rejected. . . he wanted to find out if his Yami truly loved him. Although he felt sorry for Malik, he wanted, for the first time in his life, to do something for himself. Even if it may hurt others.

And he knew Bakura was still sealed in the Ring.

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

Ryou sighed, and he concentrated deeply. He had found out earlier that, this way, he could enter his soul room. He stepped to the closet with the mental notes, and glanced around. Memories. . . Friends. . . Things to do. . . there it was! On the middle shelf was the box labeled 'Yami Bakura.' Flipping through it, he remembered the first time he had met him and stared into his Yami's eyes and marveled, "You have pretty, shiny eyes! Are you here to be my friend!" He sarcastically chuckled, remembering the pain that came from the ridiculous statement. Then he remembered the day under the willow tree. He paused and took time to read over the details.

My Yami's holding me tight! Shit,  
now he's going to choke me! No  
wait. . . this feels good. . . If only  
he had a heartbeat. Then he could  
love. . . and I could admit I loved  
him back. But for now, I accept  
this as a moment of kindness.  
Might as well accept it. . . I doubt  
something like this is to happen  
again.

Ryou smiled sadly at his inner thoughts. Though his guilt momentarily took over as he thought that they could be like that nearly forever. . . if only he had told him.

He sighed and looked at his soul room door. The doorknob was rusted, and he knew from experience it wouldn't budge. It wasn't like he had the ring in heaven. But just for fun, he jiggled it a few times. No movement. He leaned against the door, pretending it was his Yami's chest.

"I'm a cruel demon!" He heard the inside voice shout. He recognized it as his Yami's.

"You are not a demon," Ryou whispered softly back, "you're my angel." But it went unheard.

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

"Ryou probably doesn't love me anymore, he probably hates me now for all I've done! Dear Ra. . .!" Bakura groaned, sighing and slapping the stone barricade. Turning his eyes to the door, he wondered if Ryou's mind was still connected to it. "I've locked him in there a lot of times. . . poor tenshi. . . so this is what it's like. . ." He went to the door and turned the doorknob. It didn't budge. "Oh Ryou. . . I've left you forever, haven't I?"

"Yami?"

- This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. - 

It was the same, curious voice that had addressed him that day under the willow tree. . . the same meek voice that had questioned the feeling inside Bakura. "Ryou!" he cried happily.

"Yami. . . do you love me?" Ryou barely whispered.

Bakura's heart leapt. All those times in the dreams. . . so Ryou really wanted him back? But. . . what were the dreams, then? "Yes, I love you," he whispered back, leaning on the door. "If only I could see you once-" the door gave way, "more!"

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

"Yami! What happened!" Ryou cried, pounding on his side of the door. Bakura moaned and looked out into Ryou's mind corridors.

"The door. . . mine gave way! I'm going to try to open yours!"

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

Bakura stepped confidently to Ryou's door and held the knob firmly, and prepared to fling it with all his might. But it came open pretty easily, and shining eyes of chocolate stared up at him. "Yami. . . I knew you'd be back." And he grabbed Bakura around the waist, embracing in a tight hug.

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

"I was so scared. . . I thought you'd never be back! I thought you didn't love me anymore!" Ryou sobbed into his Yami's chest, tightening his grip. Bakura gently wrapped his arms around his hikari and pulled him closer.

"You don't need to be scared anymore. . . I'm here, and I love you. Nothing will separate us now. . ."

This section has been bastardized by FF.N. Thank you. -

Ryou joyously flew up into a higher cloud. "Hi Yugi!" he chorused, landing next to the shorter angel.

"Hi Ryou!" Yugi replied cheerfully, "I finally found a way to break into Yami's soul room! Thanks for the tips!"

Ryou smiled. "No problem. This is now truly heaven. . . my Yami's with me. . . and we're finally together in spirit."

Yami Amythest: O.o is scared

R Amythest: I know, weird ending. . . but I just HAD to end this happily! I mean, I could've left you off at chappie 2. . .

Yami Amythest: humming I'm hopin' and prayin' for a brighter day. . . I listen to my heart and I obey. . .

R Amythest: I thought you said that was a kiddie song. . .

Yami Amythest: stops singing oh yeah. Heh heh. . .

R Amythest: --;; Review. Flames are permitted, because they're reviews as well.


End file.
